Bad Romance
by vermismortifer
Summary: Artemis finds himself confronted with LOVE. Will he keep his sanity?
1. Chapter 1

+++ Disclaimer: I do not own Artemis Fowl or any of the other Characters created by Eoin Colfer, nor any of the songs, films or other works of fiction mentioned or alluded to in this story. They all belong to their respective owners. +++

**Chapter One: "Here it's safe and here it's warm…"**

He could see the pattern now. After half an hour of scribbling figures, letters and equations on the legal pad he used as a "sketchbook" he could finally see his way out of the mathematical maze, he had gotten himself into. Artemis smirked. This new and unconventional way to prove that the sum of two uneven numbers is always an even number would not change the world. Everyone studying mathematics in university started his or her analysis course by learning different ways to prove this. But it was nevertheless very satisfying to find this new and unexpected approach. A nice way to relax from the strain of being a role model for his siblings or of thinking up a foolproof trap for Opal Koboi or of finding an acceptable way to stop global warming, which would still allow people to keep up their luxurious standard of living… His to-do-list was interminable. That's why even his brain needed to be amused with some easy, not too challenging work. "This must be why sudokus became that popular", thought Artemis. He made a mental note, to suggest a series of Sudoku books to the publishing company he part-owned. The opportunity to make money out of this mass-phenomenon should not be missed. Jotting down the last three letters 'q.e.d.', which meant that he had proved what he wanted, he allowed himself to lean back into his chair and close his eyes. He would make a paper out of this and submit it to one of the specialized journals under a pseudonym. Let the old men in the stuffy rooms and lecture halls gnash their teeth at this impish genius, who would make them pore endless hours over some new proof. Baffling them with its simplicity and elegance. Luring them into trying to disprove it. This would be futile of course.

Artemis tossed the legal pad onto his working table and got up. It was time to leave his study and dress for dinner. Even though it was summer and the household staff was downsized, so that the cook had to serve the meals, his mother still insisted on a certain splendor. Even Myles and Becket had to put on a clean shirt and brush their hair. This was no problem for Myles, but it always took the nanny 20 minutes and five lollipops to coax Beckett into a dress shirt. Artemis smiled fondly thinking of his twin-brothers. And of their love of synthetic sweets on sticks he would never understand. He left his study, closing the door firmly and changing the code on the door lock. There was no point in taking chances with his siblings. He walked through his bedroom to the adjoining dressing room, where he began to undress. Artemis was always dressed smartly but dinner required a special effort. His mother supported this. Even though Angeline would have liked her son to be dressed in the 'Randomosity' T-shirt or a similar atrocity in quotidian life, she would never break the tradition of wearing evening gowns and tuxedos for dinner. He had already shed his slacks and started to pull the beige polo shirt he wore as a concession to the boiling summer heat over his head when a sudden wave of nausea made him double over. He clutched at the nearest wall and tried to avoid throwing up over his favorite dark-blue suede shoes. His stomach was spasming while his head suddenly seemed to burst from a headache of hitherto unknown intensity. It became difficult to breathe because every intake of breath was accompanied by a sharp pain between his ribs and in his diaphragm. But the most disturbing of these sensations was a tinkling along his spine, where his residual magic bristled under an unknown threat. Even a lesser genius than Artemis Fowl would have understood that something was horribly wrong.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two: "L'heure exquise…"**

Butler was watering his strawberry plants. He had made himself a little garden behind of the Manor's outbuildings. It was all right with the Fowls as long as the little patch wasn't visible from the main drive, where the visitors arrived, or from the extensive park, where sometimes garden parties were given. It was a mystery to the occupants of Fowl Manor why the heir's bodyguard needed to dirty his hands with the plants. The food for the Fowl family came from an adjacent organic farm, which in fact belonged to Fowl Enterprises. Even if Butler had shown a sportive desire to create some new breed of exotic plant to immortalize his name he could have used the experimental greenhouses. They were large enough to house both Artemis' and Myles' hybrids, who would have been delighted to welcome a new guest on their "playground". But Butler preferred to have his own little version of a kitchen garden. Here he grew a seemingly random assortment of vegetables and herbs. In a sunny corner along the wall of the garden shed he had even planted three kiwi plants. One male, two female, frost resistant up to -25° Celsius according to the catalogue. He had planted them only this spring so they wouldn't bear fruit until next summer, but he was already looking forward to his own kiwi harvest. Perhaps he would still have to dig them up in autumn and keep them inside the greenhouse over the winter. To him they looked too tender to survive the frost on their own.

He watered the strawberry plants carefully trying not to spill water on the leaves, because even plants could catch a cold. He could already see the minuscule berries hanging on long thin stems amid the leaves. Some were nearly as big as his thumbnail, firm and green, dotted closely with little hard seeds. He felt pride and tenderness welling up inside his chest. Strawberries were very delicate. On a hot day like this they would exsiccate fast and their leaves would crumple and hang listlessly. The best time to water them would be early in the morning, when the sun had not yet risen very high, or in the evening, before dinner, when the heat had grown less. Half an hour after they were watered their leaves would straighten up again and look like a green blaze, brimming with life.

Straightening up Butler walked over to the garden shed and put the now empty watering can back in its place. His work for the day was finished. "Here at least", he thought with a small chuckle. He would still have to attend dinner, see to it that Artemis was safely in his room, make his round through the house, survey the grounds from the monitors installed in the security room and switch on the alarm system for the night. Then he could retire into his own room in the servants wing and read the latest issue of "The gardener's friend".

He started to walk back to the Manor. The French windows of the piano room were open and he could see Beckett hiding behind one of the curtains. The boy caught sight of him and closed an eye in an exaggerated wink smiling broadly. Butler made a poker face and risked only a quick wink in the roguish twin's direction, while passing him. The boy erupted into giggles. From the corridor leading to the hall and the main staircase the bodyguard could hear the nanny's strained voice shouting: "Okaaaay Becks, I give up! I'm going to read THREE stories to you tonight! And you'll get your LAST lolly for today! But COME here now, so I can get you dressed for DINNER!" The nanny was a buoyant girl with short blond curls and came from Poland. She was a violinist, but it was hard to find a well-paid job with such a common instrument and the competition was hard. So she followed a friend's advice and took a few courses in childcare and education. With these assets and the fact that she was fluent in three languages, she had studied in London and Cologne, she was taken on by an exclusive childcare provider and hired at once by the Fowl Family. Myles and Beckett loved her. Angeline Fowl couldn't imagine life without her. The pay was lavish. A friend of hers, who was a surgeon at the King's College Hospital earned less than she did. She could even practice, by playing the twins classical pieces chosen and approved by Artemis Fowl junior before sleep. She fell in love with the twins as soon as she saw them. Beckett was throwing pine cones at Myles at that time. The contract went till the twins were old enough to go to school and she had a firm intention of staying on the job till then. "If her beloved rascals didn't wear her to rags before that", as she liked to joke.

Now she came bouncing down the stairs, wiping a lock of stray hair out of her eyes.

"Have you seen Becks, Butler?" she asked the big manservant.

"I would look behind the curtain in the piano room, Maria", he whispered conspiratorially, "But I didn't tell you."

"Thanks a million", she smiled and then shouted: "Sherlock Holmes is on his WAY to find the FUGITIVE!"

Butler ascended the stairs, when suddenly a feeling of uneasiness swept over him. He couldn't place it. Everything seemed absolutely normal. But years of training and field service had taught him to trust his instincts. He decided to check the house for anything unusual…

**+++ Author's note: Hi there, this is my first fanfic so thank you for reading it. Thank you even more for hitting the review button. :D Help me get better and you will be rewarded by getting better fanfics. :P A special thanks to FowlFangirl who was the first to leave a very kind review and fallenleader15 who even put this story on alert. I love you guys. You made my day!**

**I wanted to offer some explanations on some facts that are perhaps not widely known. The name of this chapter is French and means "The exquisite hour". It's a classical song by Reynaldo Hahn to a poem by the French poet Paul Verlaine. If you haven't heard it, go find it on the internet. It's amazing. The second fact is: there are really frost resistant kiwis. You have to have a male and a female plant to collect a harvest and they yield up to 10 kg of fruit. If I ever get a house I'm gonna get myself a few kiwi plants. That's my dream.**

**Ok, now please tell me what you liked, what you hated and what bored you! **

**So long, vermismortifer**


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